Rehab for the Emotionally Stunted
by pumpkindumplings
Summary: As Tsunade plans to boost Konoha's genius population and Kakashi inadvertantly walks into a serious relationship, Anbu Neji and his team must contend with the return of a well known exile and his dark warning. As usual, Iruka is left to clean up the mess
1. Sweet love and some manipulation

Hi everyone! I'm really excited to be writing again, and apologize it was such an horrifically long wait. This hopefully will not happen in the future.

Ever notice how all of the obscenely strong geniuses in Naruto are aloof and/or antisocial? It makes you wonder how new geniuses are born at all. Here is my take ;)

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_S stands for Suck_ Kakashi thought dourly as he trudged back through the streets of Konoha. He had been on more S-class missions in the last month and a half than he could count on both his hands (and given his current mental state, this made the total of "adventures" innumerable). He really couldn't remember when he _hadn't _smelled like sweat and wilderness, nor when his clothes had felt comfortable, unencumbered by all of the smears of dried blood. On that count, he wasn't even entirely sure when he had slept last. Tragedy. Sheer tragedy.

High on his "let me do this or get a kunai in your kidney" list was showering, indulging in a few chapters of Icha Icha over something hot and edible, and sleeping away any sort of obligation his fazed system still felt towards the hidden village. He did not recall (though admittedly his memory wasn't in the best of shape at the moment) 'have dango thrown into hands by a fleeing man' being on said list. The incompetent robber fled down the avenue with a flailing of limbs and a stream of obscenities. Blinking down at the sticky dumplings, Kakashi tried to recall if this were an atypical occurrence when one was walking the streets of Konoha. Shortly thereafter, a swarm of what appeared to be thieving flunkies followed, each dribbling some sort of stolen delicacy in their wake. Last to rocket down the already crowded avenue was an obese shopkeeper clocking an impressive speed for his size, using sticks of pocky as projectile weapons. As a ninja of the village, Kakashi should have technically aided the shopkeeper and reprimanded the wrong doers, but… one had given him food, and it would hardly be proper etiquette to reward his benefactor's generosity with a cold jail cell. Satisfied with the karmatic conclusion, Kakashi turned in the direction of his apartment.

The second item he was relatively sure was not on his current list of must-do's was walking face-first into an irate Anko. He concluded that this particular development may have been slightly less desirable than having free food thrown at him.

Anko, for her part, was diligently working on refining the magnitude and intensity of her killing intent. _Worse. Day. Ever_. Between waking up late for a mission, losing the support of her personal subordinates as they were assigned to their own missions, nearly getting kunai'd in a vital organ _at least_ three times when walking past the academy, and having the cursed seal act up (_of course)_, she was at her wits end and desperately in need of something to maim. That something kindly presented itself by running face first into her. Breathing? Check. Warm? Check. Good, it would bleed. She whipped out a kunai, determined to have _something _go right for her. _Oh, nothing fixes a glum mood like bloodsh- is that dango_?

Instinctively shielding himself with the newly acquired dango as some vestigial instinct warned him of imminent danger, Kakashi squeezed shut his only visible eye in a pitiful and exhausted cringe. Anko in her usual maniacal state was scary as shit. Anko in pissed-off-must-murder mode was actually mortifying. A technique she had acquired from her old sensei, he was sure. It was several seconds before he cautiously cracked open his eye, hearing her tirade dwindled into silence.

Anko, he found to his bewilderment and fright, appeared on the verge of tears. As a relieved grin cracked across her face, she snatched the dango, swallowed an entire stick in one gulp, and fixed Kakashi with a predatory gaze. Kakashi blinked back owlishly.

In what he would later claim was a deliberate slowing of his reflexes, Kakashi found himself tackled to the ground by the psychotic kunoichi. He had just opened his mouth to deliver a cunning and witty retort when he found that very mouth being assaulted by the woman on top of him.

Two thoughts flashed through Kakashi's mind. The first was that Anko was getting mitarashi sauce all over his mask, and his already irate cleaners would have something above the usual blood and gore to bitch about. He was half tempted to warn her that, returning from this particularly gruesome mission, the mask was hardly sanitary. "Let the crazy wench die of some exotic disease" was his mind's immediate response.

His second though was that he had _no idea_ you could play tonsil hockey through a mask. Frankly, he was ashamed of himself. To make up for this disgraceful lapse, he responded to Anko with gusto that belied his dwindling energy.

Unseen by the two ninja snogging in the dirt in the middle of the avenue, the traffic on Konoha's busiest street had come to a grinding halt. While Kakashi was fondly regarded as a village pervert, his giggles and blushes had a monogamous relationship with Icha Icha. It was actually a concern in the village that the great Hatake clan would end with the Copy Nin. To see the man getting so worked up with anything besides Jiraiya's orange covered monstrosities was a blow the villagers on the main span were unprepared for.

Unaware he had given a good third of the square mild aneurisms, Kakashi was rethinking his previous avoidance of the admittedly unstable kunoichi. Anko was doing something _fascinating _with her tongue that left him wondering if such actions were legal in public…and suddenly his vest and Jounin issued shirt were gone.

Kakashi was relatively unaffected by town gossip, but he suspected being stripped in Konoha's main avenue may have some negative repercussions. Not to mention being jumped by a Jounin was not on his list of things to do-

Kakashi's eye snapped open as the hands that had skillfully divested him of the upper half of his clothing became otherwise occupied. Nope, scratch that, being jump by a Jounin _was_ on his list. Silly him for forgetting…

_Sleep_? His mind whispered tentatively. _Don't think so_, his body growled back, and both Jounin disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The square was silent for 3.27 seconds before it exploded with a cacophony of excited voices.

* * *

Tsunade rested her forehead on her desk. "What in the- just what?" she asked, not even knowing where to start. Shizune stood before her, reporting that the mass riot that had broken out three days ago was finally under control, and that property damage was under repair. 

"Ah," Shizune started with a blush, glancing down at her notes. "It seems the crowd was, um, energized, at the site of two ninja… giving a public display of affection, Hokage-sama."

Tsunade glanced up, eyes quickly darting to the cabinet to the right of Shizune's head. 7:23 was NOT too early in the morning to start drinking….

"Shinobi have done a lot worse than lip-locking with each other in the streets. Why the hell was this particular display enough to light Ichiraku on fire?" Honestly, she had to push past ninja in the throes of far worse just to make it into her office everyday.

"Well, it seems the two ninja where Mitarashi Anko-" no surprise… "and Hatake Kakashi." Again, no… wait, _WHAT_? "The crowd was, er, inspired by the sudden unanticipated libido from the Copy Nin. The riot was the easiest way to channel this excited energy, I suppose."

Tsunade was still locked on the fact that her most antisocial genius was _making out_ in the middle of the road. As the shock dulled, a grin seeped onto her features. "Get them both in here, now."

Utterly creeped out by the Hokage's expression, Shizune bowed and scuttled out of the room immediately. Tsunade templed her fingers as her mind went into overtime. It was so perfect! While she waited, Iruka came in with school progress reports and started filing mission statements. He was halfway through a good morning greeting before he fell into silence, hid his startled expression, and moved to the file cabinet that was furthest from the Hokage's desk. Every ten or twenty seconds he would glance back over his shoulder at her with a worried look, usually in concert with the delighted giggles that kept escaping her.

It wasn't long before all three Jounin returned to the office in varying states of dress. Kakashi was exposing _considerably_ more than usual, his glowing pale skin only covered by a pair of blue boxers and a hastily thrown on mask. Anko, on the other hand, was actually _more_ clothed than usual in an oversized shirt that left a lot more to the imagination than her usual mesh. Shizune, while fully clothed, was an alarming shade of red that actually bordered on purple.

"Is this important, Hokage-sama?" Anko yawned out with a feral grin. "I really would like to get back to our activities."

"You are sleeping together?" she asked bluntly. If either of the ninja were fazed by her prying, they didn't show it.

"Maa, she jumped me and hasn't let me leave my own apartment in days. I adapted to the situation."

"Have you SEEN him?! And _God_, you thought he was good on the battlefield!" Kakashi took this with a relaxed, blasé expression of a pampered house cat who _knew _it deserved all forms of worship and was simply accepting its due.

"Jiraiya really does inspire creativity…" He murmured in a belated effort at modesty. While their running commentary was amusing, Tsunade cringed at this comment and looked around the room to distract herself. Shizune looked mortified to the point of nearly passing out, and the reports clutched in Iruka's grip were slowly slipping from his hand, one sheet at a time, as his mouth dropped open into a gape.

"Good." She declared finally, and was rewarded with various levels of shock from the room's occupants. "I do, however, have a request."

Hatake quirked a silver eyebrow in question. Anko was too busy ogling him to respond.

"Make babies."

"_Eh_?!"

**Thump.**

_**Clank!**_

"Heeeehehe. Oh? You were serious?" Anko looked mildly baffled at the thought. Iruka had crashed into the cabinet, poor Shizune had had enough and passed out, and Kakashi appeared to be at a loss for words.

"That… I don't er, that is," all of the Copy Ninja's eloquence was lost in his stuttering. Perhaps he was still sleep deprived? Likely…

"Iruka!" Tsunade called, and the school teacher's features took on a look of sheer terror. "How are your classes doing?"

That was _not_ was he was expecting… "They are all very dedicated to learning, Hokage-sama." He answered carefully, sensing a trap if not being able to see it.

"Indeed? And name a student who could hit all the targets straight on in their first try of shuriken practice."

"Ah, well, shuriken is not this class's _strongest_ suit…"

"Oh? So how about henge? Surely someone grasped it immediately and can morph into anything they please effortlessly?"

Iruka appeared to be getting a bit flustered at the odd line of questioning. "Well, we're still a bit mired in henge at the moment. But-"

"Intellect? Ability to solve complex trajectory questions in a blink? Taijutsu? Amazing speed? Bloodline limits?"

Iruka stared at the floor, not wanting to belittle his students. They were all very dedicated to their studies- one of the best classes he had had, in fact- they were just still a bit caught up in the basics. Perhaps it was _due_ to the conspicuous lack of talent that they were so manageable. "We do have the one Hyuuga boy-"

"Heiji? The one who passes out if anyone even _mentions_ activating byakugan, and stabbed himself in the foot _three times_ last week? It may have to do with those twelve fingers he has…"

"Ah-"

Tsunade turned away from the embarrassed teacher.

"We have NO prodigies. Not one, in the last seven years or so. Our geniuses are too busy gobbling up missions to reproduce."

Kakashi's eyes narrowed. _Whose fault was _that?

"In another ten or so years, Konoha has the potential to be the weakest of the Hidden Villages. We are on the verge of destruction from our own doing."

"I don't like kids," Kakashi muttered. "Why don't you go recruit some other prodigies to do this?"

_Oh, I WILL…_"Because that is none of your concern. Your concern is this new S-rank mission."

Both of the Jounin regarded her mildly.

"If Anko has a child within the year, you will get triple the regular pay of an S-class." Both sets of eyebrows shot into their respective hairlines. "Each." Jaws dropped open. "And the sum will double with each child." Anko's look for Kakashi was a whole new breed of rabid. "You will also get a house. With several acres of forested land added on to your family lands."

Both were silent. That was as close to a guaranteed retirement as any ninja had ever heard. Still…

"With all due respect, Hokage-sama, I can say in total honesty we would make the worse parents the world has ever seen." While Tsunade was inclined to agree with him, stating so was counter-productive to her goal.

"Nonsense. Your first, er, three or so years of life were normal enough…" he gave her a level look, "and I'm sure Anko could take up the slack for the later childhood…" the cursed seal almost seemed to hum.

Anko shrugged. "We'll just slip sake into the little brat's bottle. If he's sauced, he won't be able to tell we're horrible parents."

There was something so fundamentally flawed about that statement that no one in the room really had a response.

"Okay, so you can't _raise_ the child, but I'll I need you two to do is _make_ it." Her eyes flitted around the room. _Perfect_. "Iruka will live with you two and raise the child for you."

"I'll do WHAT?"

"Maa, Iruka-sensei, that is very generous of you. I have no doubt it will be a hellion."

"Heee. If you get bored with that assigned role, you could always join us. You have any tricks up your sleeve about threesomes, Kakashi?"

"Eh, I could come up with something."

**Thud.**

Iruka became the second unconscious body in the room that morning.

* * *

After ushering her first breeding pair out of the office (along with a flustered and disoriented Iruka, who legitimately looked close to tears), Tsunade sat back at her desk and felt immensely pleased with herself. She was doing something essential for the village, and was having a damn fun time doing it. Why stop now?

Lazily lobbing an empty sake cup at Shizune to get her to wake up, Tsunade regarded her aide with glee. "This village will soon be flooded with the most talented little ninja the five nations have ever seen. I thought that Hatake brat would be the hardest! Who should we tackle next?"

Shizune straightened her kimono with careful dignity. Arranging a "breeding program" for the most powerful ninja in the village sounded like a good way to piss off a lot of individuals who were a great deal stronger than her. She did not relish the thought.

"Perhaps we should just let them work out their own relationships, Hokage-sama. It seems immoral-"

Tsunade waved her away. "Stop rambling Shizune. What is the most skilled position below Hokage right now?"

Shizune gave a defeated sigh. She _knew_ she should have stayed home and played house with Tonton. "I don't know, Hokage-sama, there are many high ranking positions below you. Naruto? He's Hokage-in-training right now."

"We'll tackle that challenge in due time," Tsunade said with a cringe. "Besides, Naruto is amazingly talented, but he got there out of sheer obstinacy. We need some quick-fix genius babies, not a village flooded with hyper-active, attentions deficit children harboring speech impediments."

Shizune had by this time come to terms with the fact the discussion was particularly amoral, and didn't bother lecturing the Hokage on her heartless statement. "Perhaps one of the talented ANBU Captains then?"

Tsunade's face split into another terrifying grin. "Where is ANBU unit one?"

Shizune had anticipated the question before Tsunade even voiced it. She was getting quite good at suppressing her sighs. "They are field-scouting today, Hokage-sama."

"Send a message to all the nin on gate duty. I want Hyuuga Neji in my office by sunset."


	2. Enter the Anbu

Eheh. A very belated chapter 2. There really shouldn't be such a drastic wait in the future. This one is dedicated to **Gracia-chan, Nolah de Fanel, Soelle, KrazyGlue, **and** Siverrain. **You guys made me understand why everyone wants reviews so badly. You all are what prompted me to continue this, thank you!

(As a side note, chapter one was tweeked a bit, and I'm much happier now because of it )

* * *

"I want dango." 

"No. No dango for you. Dango is what started this whole mess."

"But I want-"

"Too bad, _I _want ramen." Iruka cut in, glaring at the female jounin as Kakashi seemed to wilt between the two.

In a rare show of maturity, he had suggested they go out to lunch to hammer out some of the fine details of living together. While he was not a particularly organized person, the murderous intent radiating from the academy teacher had been enough to convince Kakashi he should at least make an effort to placate the teacher. Anko was, of course, no help at all. Sex drive and the promise of money had her groping him at every turn, all the while grinning wickedly at the scandalized looking Iruka. While Kakashi was no prude and certainly didn't mind the acts of public indecency, he had been wacked on more than one occasion because of what _Anko_ was doing to him. His bruised skull throbbed morosely at the injustice.

Even more unfortunate, his odd show of responsibility seemed to only fuel Anko and (more shockingly) Iruka's childish behavior.

"Well no one cares what you want, because you were named after a sea creature!" Anko declared triumphantly.

"Oh, good one, _Anko_. That was a particularly pertinent blow- I'm _certainly_ the only one in the group with a weird name."

"You're the only one in the group that's still a _chuunin._"

Kakashi reflected tiredly as he held them both by the scruff of their necks that he expected the school teacher, at least, to have more endurance for petty taunting.

"Knock it off, both of you. It's like watching a reenactment of Naruto and Sasuke. We will eat onigiri."

"But-"

He whipped out Icha Icha in a clear gesture the discussion was over. So help him, if he had to get the bells out, financial security for the rest of his life was not worth it.

* * *

It was over far too quickly. The missing nin was desperate from the rapid approach of swelling chakara, and was still somersaulting in an evasive maneuver to dodge four wickedly barbed knives when he felt another mind rocket into his skull. The bitch took complete control of his body, so that a bird-masked Konoha ANBU had ample time to assault each and every one of his three hundred and sixty-one tenketsu. His hope slipped away with his fleeting chakara. The last thought the missing nin had before unconsciousness took him was vague relief that he wouldn't yet have to face the shame of being caught and bundled in under three minutes. 

"Is it just me, or was this one more of a pussy than we usually get?" the dog-masked ANBU questioned. He was lazily strapping the unconscious nin onto a large white hound, who had only moments before been another masked ANBU operative.

The cat mask scoffed. "What are you talking about? You didn't even _do_ anything. The mutt there was the one who sniffed him out."

"And I was the one who trapped him," contributed the panda mask.

"But I obviously played the largest role. As soon as I had his mind, this battle was over." The grin on the cat mask matched the ANBU's tone.

"Can we please stop this pitiful pissing contest and get back to the village?" Bird-mask growled.

The cat _tsk_-ed. "_Language_, Captain. Goodness, there are ladies present."

The Captain gave a wry grunt before turning abruptly, his long brown hair smacking the cat on the exposed side of her face.

"Neji, you asshole, you did that on purpose!"

"Ah ah- breaking protocol with using names. Code fourteen. You know the punishment- dinner is on you." The panda and dog cheered.

"Goddamn it," the cat muttered.

"_Language,_ Cat." Even hidden behind a mask, his smirk was evident.

"I liked you a lot better when you had no personality at all."

"Insubordination. You are buying dessert."

"Abuse of power. You're paying the tip."

"Motion to stop this riff before we get stuck with any sort of tab," put forth the panda.

"Motion granted!" The dog replied with cheer.

Dinner assured (regardless of who shouldered the bill), Konoha's best ANBU squad took off towards the hidden village in good spirits from the easy capture. Perhaps it was this, or the non-resistant target, or simply residual adrenaline from the fight, but for some reason they made it back to the towering walls and conspicuous red gate in record time.

"Now the question remains- ramen or barbeque?" Tenten questioned as they slowed their pace to a leisurely walk. Akamarau morphed back into a nondescript ANBU member and slung the unconscious missing nin over his shoulder. Then rest of the members put on their cloaks and pulled up their hoods. Maintaining anonymity and all that jazz.

"Gotta be ramen. I haven't had it in at least 18 hours," Kiba replied.

"Very well," Neji consented after a few more moments, somehow managing in those two words to express how utterly sick of ramen he was. "Take our guest over to Ibiki for a chat, Dog. The rest of the team will do a quick check-in with the Hokage. We'll rendezvous at Ichiraku's at seven." He knew it was too much to hope the ramen stand was still in ashes. He was about to say more when one of the gate guards called down to them.

"ANBU unit one Captain! You and as many of your subordinates as possible are to report to the Hokage immediately!"

"Working on it," Tenten huffed, but the message spurned them into action. It was highly unusual for the Hokage to request their presence when she knew they would pop up to report anyway. In a blur, Kiba and Akamaru departed for the inquisition compound as the remainder of the unit took off for the Hokage's tower.

Ino let out an irritated growl as they leapt across Konoha's roof-scape. "If we have a mission, I'm going to tell her to shove it. First giving us boring field duty- we are _so_ above that- and then giving us a mission as soon as we finish? Unacceptable. I have a date with a pedicure after dinner, and not the return of Uchiha Sasuke himself could tear me away from it."

Tenten shot her a grin from behind the panda mask as they neared their destination. "A pedicure? Are you serious? That's as cliché as me saying I need to get home to polish my weapons."

"Yeah, well, we all know you won't be rubbing anything else-"

Tenten's hand strayed dangerously towards one of her scrolls.

"Knock it off, both of you." Stupid byakugan, seeing everything. "Just because we are all slightly annoyed at the prospect of postponing dinner doesn't mean you two can slip back into your teenage-snarky personas. It took over a year to get over that. No regression, that's an order." Stupid more-talkative-and-attentive Neji.

"Sorry," Tenten said as they entered the building. It wasn't a spiteful apology either. Weirdly enough, she and Ino _had_ become fairly good friends.

"Yeah, me too, but seriously, I think you need to get laid fast-"

"No one will be laying anyone," Neji ground out as the doors to Tsunada's office swung open. She regarded them with a broad smile.

"I beg to differ."

* * *

Abrupt halt, I'm sorry! I'm working on not making my chapters so long. I'm hoping this, in turn, will prompt me to update more regularly. As always, comments and criticisms make me one pleased panda, but thank you to everyone who simply reads my story as well. You all give me warm fuzzies. 


	3. ah, amore

A/N: This somehow managed to be longer than the first chapter. Alas.

I had a lot of fun writing this one. Lo! Plot! And finally the arrival of a promised character. Enjoy! But first:

**Soelle:** I'm so glad to see you back! Yup, Ino was the cat. I'm glad you got that, as I wasn't sure if I was clear enough or not ;) And I suppose both Kakashi and Iruka deserve a little pity. I love those two dearly!

**LittleLilt: **Scheming!Tsunade is a blast to write. Honestly, if you were Hokage, wouldn't you abuse the power shamelessly as well? I'm glad you like the story! I love hearing what pairings people like mysterious grin

**Newtothescene: **I hope this was in a mildly timely update. It beats a 9 month wait in any case ;) Thank you for reading and commenting!

**Guennol:** Poor Neji has all sorts of things in store for him! Thank you for reading, and I'll try to be somewhat reliable with posting!

**Gracia-chan:** Ahh! My first review is back! hugs Nope, I haven't dropped the story yet ;) I'm actually writing pages and pages in completely impromptu sittings! The majority of this chapter was written this evening.

Thank you reviewers, and folks who gave my story their attention! Now, enough of my rambling.

* * *

The three ANBU removed their masks, just to be absolutely certain Tsunade could see their incredulous looks.

"Care to run that by us again, Hokage-sama?" Tenten asked with a bubbly smile, as if creating a childish ambience could scare away the Hokage's previous comment. Ino looked as if she were trying to maintain a work-appropriate level of stoic in her expression, but only succeeding in getting stuck between disbelief and laughter. Neji, after a quick widening of eyes, remained looking decidedly Neji-ish.

"Report," the Hokage snapped, and had they been a lower level, all three would have flinched. Perhaps they had misheard?

Neji, naturally, was the first to recover. "No unauthorized foreign movement within our borders, Hokage-sama. Less than half an hour ago, however, we caught the trail of quick moving, erratic chakara. A message soon came we had a missing nin. He was reclaimed without incident and is currently incapacitated and in the care of Inuzuka. He should be arriving in Ibiki's compound shortly."

"Good good. I figured your unit would take care of that, so I didn't deploy the hunter nin." Here Tsunade tapered into silence and the four people in the room stared at each other.

"Sooo… How are things?" Tsunade asked casually, and Neji's eyebrow twitched.

"Was there some other aspect of the day your wished me to report on, Hokage-sama?" The two stared at each other for a few more moments before something in Tsunade's expression changed.

"Nope! Dismissed, Hyuuga. Yamanaka and, er… Tenten, you both are to remain here."

Neji opened his mouth, but at Tsunade's raised eyebrow he just as quickly closed it with an audible _click_ and disappeared from the room in a vertical blur of movement.

Tsunade chuckled once he was gone. "He's doing much better, but there still seems to be a little bit of stick left up his ass." The two ANBU in front of her gave suppressed laughs in unison. "But what a fine ass it is. Either of you want to jump it?"

And they were back to where they started.

"Hokage-sama?" Tenten asked with a laugh while Ino gave the older blonde an appraising look.

"You heard me correctly on both counts. It's about time Hyuuga started producing some little over-serious, fate-obsessed Hyuuga-lings. It's his duty as a Konoha shinobi, but this is one task he cannot do on his own, no matter how many hours of…hm… 'training' he could dedicate to it. You two, beside Hinata, are the women who are closest to him. If the Hyuuga as a family continue to reproduce solely within their clan, we are going to have children with a third hand growing out of their little cursed-seal-marked foreheads. It's only due to sheer luck that the worse they've pumped out so far are emotional midgets... and Heiji… So that rules out Hinata. Are one of you girls up to it?"

Tenten actually had to close her hanging jaw. The woman had to be joking. Had to! She had been Neji's teammate for _six years_, for goodness sake! Just because she periodically fantasized about them one day being together- well really, what girl _hadn't?_- didn't mean she was ready to marry him and start a family. Yes, he was something more than a brother to her, but… could she really take their relationship to a more intimate level? Something low in her stomach curled pleasantly, and with a blush she responded "I-"

"Hell yes."

Tenten's eyes snapped up at Ino's comment. What? _What???_

"Excuse me, Ino, but I believe you are mistaken. I think you mean you're still interested in jumping the other angsty Konoha genius that has mastered a doujutsu, should he ever deign to return. This is Neji we're talking about here, so I'll just-"

Ino waved away her comment. "Tenten, Sasuke has been gone for close to six years. Honestly, I'm over him. We don't even know if he's alive. Neji has been my captain for two years now and… I don't know, I feel something whenever we banter back on forth. He can be really fun, with his dry humor, and you'd have to be blind, deaf, and dead to be in our unit and not notice how loyal and protective he is. Can there be a better guy? Oh, that, and he's pure sex. Don't you remember that one mission where the kunai ripped the front of his vest-"

"Do you make it a _habit_ of stealing another girl's guy?" Tenten ground out. "No _wonder_ Sakura used your academy picture as a dart-board."

Ino's face clouded over. "Excuse me? Did I see a sign around his neck saying 'property of Tenten'? No, I don't believe I did."

"Apparently because your eyes were too trained on other parts of his anatomy! I ought to-"

"Why you little-"

"Kunoichi!"

Bother girls stopped mid-sentence and turned slowly towards the Hokage, identical blushes spilling across there faces. It was obvious both had forgotten the leader of Konoha was still in the room. They regarded her meekly, waiting for the inevitable reprimand.

"I am appalled at how childishly you two are handling this assignment," Tsunade ground out, and their heads dipped a bit further. "You should be focusing on an easy solution instead of bickering in my office and wasting my time.

"We're sorry, Hokage-sama, we-"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up, didn't I say there is a simple solution? This is Hyuuga Neji we are talking about here."

The two kunoichi regarded her in silence. Tsunade sighed.

"He's an emotional _stump_. Getting him to express an attraction to _anyone_ is going to be the hardest part here. Whoever can get him interested first will be the one who deserves him."

They were silent for a few more moments before Tenten spoke. "That is the most depraved-"

"You're just saying that because I have more charm," Ino interrupted with an easy grin.

"You won't be very charming if I plant a fuuma shurikan in the back of your head," Tenten snarled.

Tsunade smiled hugely. "I'm gland we've reached an agreement. Good luck ladies!"

Outside, the posted ANBU blinked nervously at the sudden explosion of intense killing intent radiating from Tsunade's office.

* * *

Iruka was not in a good mood.

Iruka was quite a patient person when there was need. He was kindhearted and understanding. He was skilled beyond his current level and insightful on multiple levels. He even forgave the annual occurrence of glue in his hair while teaching the new batch of academy students. He was _not, _however, able to accept he would be living in the same house with Kakashi and Anko for Gods knew how long.

After a stressful lunch that only really "hammered out" that all three members of their odd party were particularly skilled at glaring, they had moodily gone to check out the house Tsunade had arranged for them.

It was a breath-taking estate, Iruka had to give Hokage-sama that. With three stories, a large practice area around the back, elegant walkways, and flowing decorative ponds, it was a breath-taking palace (at least to his perspective, which had been desensitized to the crammed and dank apartments that were run-of-the-mill for ninja). What really put a damper on the arrangement was that as soon as they were in the door, Anko pounced and both jounin were gone. He had been hit in the face with Kakashi's boxers.

Hit in the face!

Not wanting even a remote idea of what they were up to, he went out to the training yard and started doing what any good ninja would: scheming.

The Hokage was most directly responsible for his situation, but any revenge on her could be greeted with an underground jail cell. This automatically transferred his full ire to his housemates. As much as it irritated him to admit it, Kakashi had been surprisingly calm about the entire thing and actually appeared to be taking Iruka's feelings into account. The school teacher immediately filed this away as out-of-character, and was suitably paranoid. He had no idea what the man was up to, but Kakashi was as cunning as a rabid weasel when he needed to be. Then there was Anko.

Even in their academy days, Anko had been certifiably insane. As she grew older, she only refined her madness until somehow she distinguished herself as "crazy as shit" even among the other jounin, an impressive if not necessarily braggable feat.

Iruka sat stewing in the training yard until the sun began to dip behind the high wall of the village. The conclusion of his mulling? He would just have to make himself the most detestable house guest in existence. Somehow, he would have to be so annoying even _Kakashi and Anko_ wouldn't be able to live with him, and would thus kick him out. A grin that hadn't surfaced since he was a pre-teen split across his face. Those two had _no idea_ who they were dealing with.

As Iruka walked back into the house, however, he was greeted with shouts that made him go pale.

"Ow! Stop it you bastard!"

"In your dreams. I've got you right where I want you."

"I'm serious! You're hurting me you ass."

"That's the point, Anko_-chan._ Eat it. Eat it!"

"You are such a bastard, Kakashi!"

Iruka stood in indecision for several moments. He _certainly_ didn't want to interrupt the two of them, but his honor as a shinobi would be tarnished if he ignored what he thought was going on.

"Maa, chill out and take it like a man, Anko."

"Ah! _Stop _it!"

That sealed it. Yes, he was a lower rank. Yes, Anko would probably be shamed if he interfered. But Iruka was a good guy at heart and couldn't stand to hear a woman say such things in that tone. Sucking in a sobering breath, he darted up the stairs and busted through the door before he could think about what he was doing. Without raising his eyes to the bed, he addressed Kakashi angrily.

"I don't know what the hell you think you're doing, but-"

"Iruka-sensei. If you wanted to join us, you could have just asked. Or knocked, for that matter."

Iruka's gaze flew upwards in outrage at the man's words… and settled on a completely unanticipated sight.

Kakashi and Anko lounged on the bed, fully clothed and staring raptly at the television as their fingers flew over the buttons of what appeared to be controllers to a game consul. Anko's face was contorted into a bitter scowl in sharp contrast to Kakashi's clear amusement. Within seconds the room was filled with a digital groan of pain. Anko threw down the controller.

"No fair. Iruka distracted me. Screw this, I'm going to go eat."

Kakashi stared steadily at Iruka as Anko slinked out of the room

"What?" the academy teacher asked in a defensive tone. In response, the copy nin lobbed Anko's vacated controller, which Iruka caught on instinct.

"You just took away my entertainment. Get your ass over here so I can progress the game."

Iruka stared dumbfounded at the controller in his hands before shuffling numbly over to the bed.

"I don't know how to play," he protested weakly.

Kakashi shrugged. "Irrelevant. If you were good, I would still beat you. If you were better than me, I'd cheat. I'm not good at losing, so I am quite content to have you just sit there and button mash in a confused haze."

Despite himself, Iruka laughed at the blunt statement, and settled down to watch the shower of his own digital blood.

* * *

Neji paused. No. No no _no_. Having decided to drop back to the branch compound for a change of cloths before dinner, all Neji wanted to do was blissfully ignore the uneasy feeling Tsunade had given him. That priority jumped pretty far down his list, however, when he felt the distinctive chakara swirling patiently in one of the compound's front gardens. It was unmistakable, its signature branded into every Konoha nin's mind, yet it was completely illogical. Why here? Why now? Why _him_? Because Neji had no doubt, the 'visitor' _was _there to see _him_. The thought was confirmed as he passed dazed house members who glanced at him nervously before quickly looking away. Brilliant.

As much as he wished he were wrong, Neji was not surprised when he finally reached the garden.

With an elegant grace only a truly skilled murder could exude without effort, Uchiha Sasuke sat at the edge of one of the Hyuuga family ponds, gazing distractedly into the water. At Neji's approach, his gaze swung lackadaisically towards the Hyuuga.

_Black eyes. That has to count for something, I suppose_ Neji reflected dourly as he stopped several feet away from the other man. Of course, a ninja of Sasuke's caliber hardly needed to activate his blood limit to be considered dangerous. Neji bit back a scowl, unsure of how to proceed as the last family members in the area beat a hasty retreat. Was this going to be some sort of impromptu duel?

The Uchiha smirked. Yup, that was very in character, and it pissed Neji off beyond words. The only one who was allowed to smirk arrogantly around here was _him_. As if to prove this point, Neji returned the smirk. Sasuke's expression faltered. He looked slightly put out.

"You are not afraid to see and S-rank missing nin twiddling his thumbs in your lovely garden?" Sasuke asked in a voice much deeper than that in Neji's memory. The Hyuuga raised an eyebrow.

"I am tired, irritated, and suspect that the Hokage is plotting something that might or might not impair my health. I just want to get some damn dinner, and am being forced to jump hurdles just so I go out to eat one of my least favorite foods right now. _Why_, Uchiha-san, do you believe I find your appearance anything out of the ordinary given how shitty the day has already been?"

The Uchiha pursed his lips, accentuating the cheekbones that were now prominent and chiseled. Something in his dark eyes suggested he was amused. "Should I apologize for being so run of the mill? I can go help a few old ladies across the street if it would break your anticipation."

"Any little old lady in the village would likely try to clobber you with her produce if you offered such a service," Neji muttered under his breath.

"You are more…loquacious than I recall. You may or may not even have a personality. How this village has changed in my absence." Yup. That smirk was quite securely in place again.

Neji appeared to be accommodating the Uchiha's inclination to banter. This would not do. It was time to whip out the Commanding Officer Voice.

"I do not have time for this. What are you doing here?"

The Uchiha's thin eyebrows rose a fraction, as if the change of tone only further amused him. "Isn't some friendly repartee reason enough?" Before Neji could think of something scathing to say that in all honesty probably would have just encouraged him, Sasuke's expression sobered. "Itachi is dead."

Neji watched him with a neutral expression. What in the seven hells was a proper response to that?! "Congratulations"? "I'm sorry"? "Will you be shacking up with the village ladies and fulfilling life-goal number two then"? He wasn't even sure why Sasuke felt Neji was the person to tell this information; it wasn't like they had been pen pals during the Uchiha's extended absence.

"I see." When in doubt, go with bland. Bland worked well.

"I did not kill him."

So then, "I'm sorry" would be the appropriate response? Sasuke continued in the face of his silence. "The man who did kill him now has the sharingan in its most complete form. He has many such abilities. He is a collector of sorts. I _will_ kill him, but… well, let us say the talent in Konoha has not escaped his notice, and I have come to see if my old village would be interested in an armistice."

Ah. At least he was here for a reason. Neji was initially relieved Sasuke wasn't just plaguing him for the coy wordplay. This feeling faded into one he hadn't felt in ages, one he had hoped to banish from his system entirely.

Fear coiled in the Hyuuga's gut as the realization struck him. _Uchiha Sasuke is asking for help._


End file.
